There can be no cutting corners. There can be no compromise. We must move forward in bold purity.
I’ll be the first to say it: Who i’ve been is not who i should be.
Originally posted above at XXXChurch.com
Just over six weeks have passed since the time my wife Brandi and I flew out to Nashville on behalf of XXXChurch to begin For Today’s Fight The Silence Tour. Part of me feels like a lifetime has passed since then, and part of me feels like we never left. It is always strange coming home from the road, because the road changes daily, and home seems never to change at all. I hope that, throughout the course of this tour, my updates have sufficiently described the ebb and flow of the changing, emotional roller coaster that I sometimes like to call: life.
I’m struggling with what to say now, though, that the tour is at its end. How do I sum it up? Shall I call it bittersweet? There were certainly bittersweet days. Shall I call it battle? There were certainly wars fought in unseen realms. Shall I call it joyful? Heartbreaking? Destitute? Bountiful? It was all of these things.
I shall call it purposeful.
There were a couple of day, if I am to be entirely honest, especially in the beginning, where you could have asked me what I thought of our presence on Fight The Silence, and out of the anxious fear of my heart, I would have responded: pointless. Merch isn’t selling (because obviously sales equal success). Confessions aren’t happening (because obviously everyone wants to get in a booth and talk about their sexual sin which, by the way, will be posted on one of the most-trafficked pornography-prevention websites in the world). No one’s listening (because obviously it is normal for a hyper-anxious twenty-something to start screaming about masturbation in the middle of two bands that people would rather listen to). The bands aren’t supportive (because obviously everyone is supposed to support me, me, me and us, us, us and agree with me, me, me and us, us, us especially when they don’t even attest to the same faith as I do even though most proclaiming evangelicals don’t agree with me, me, me or us, us, us either).
Lies in the form of run-on sentences.
There was a time that I thought, “What a silly tour for a bunch of ministries to be on. The majority of the kids are vehemently opposed to the gospel, let alone purity as it relates to XXXChurch. Golly, if only people were more respectful and liked my ministry more.”
Yeah, golly.
Golly, if only Jesus levitated around earth on fluffy clouds while all the Pharisees played harps for him.
Golly, if only Jesus didn’t say, “When the world loves you with affectionate kisses and valentine candy, remember that they did so to me first.”
Golly, if only Jesus was just always about making me really happy.
May I propose that God told the truth in saying his strength is made perfect in our weakness? May I propose that where you have failed to end addiction on your own is exactly where we awe at a God in whom all things are possible?
What a perfect tour for a bunch of ministries to be on! Ministries that experienced a bit of what it was to be hated for Christ’s namesake. Ministries that experienced minor repercussions of proclaiming Christ unashamedly outside of their bubbles (or, apparently, outside of my bubble).
Ministries made aware of their weaknesses. Ministries made aware of Christ’s strength.
Of course, I can only speak for myself. I suppose though, at the end of this tour, I find myself humbled and in awe. In awe of God’s ability to transform the antagonistic hearts of hostile Jesus-haters and draw them to repentant salvation by the end of the night. In awe of God’s ability to take lips that would mock him and his people and make them lips that sing his praise before curfew. In awe of God’s fulfilled promise to remain faithful to people like me, irregardless of our/my faithlessness.
I shall call it purposeful.
Specific to the vision of XXXChurch, I believe that our presence was providential. The abhorrent amount of sexual sin which paraded about Fight The Silence in one way or another had, at times, left me furious, nauseous, helpless, depressed. I know that more than agents and managers organized for us to be present during the last six weeks. I don’t believe that I have ever been on a tour that left me more emotionally drained than this one did. There were nights that I cried over the brokenness threatening to destroy the people Brandi and I prayed for and, more heartbreakingly, unrecognized and unchecked brokenness that would continue cracking until it accomplishes its goal: a chasm that leads to death.
You will get the opportunity to hear some of those stories from kids courageous enough to share them in our Confessions Booth (and, by the grace of God, their redemptive end).
I will end this blog the way that I ended many a conversation with men on the tour hopeful at their renewed or newfound desire for purity in all of life, and specifically, sexually:
Jesus is your savior. Accountability software is great, but it is not your savior. Filtration software is great, but it is not your savior. XXXChurch is great, but it is not your savior. My poetry might mean a lot to someone, but it is not their savior, and neither am I. Jesus is your savior, and it is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. Jesus said that he came so that we might have life, and life more abundantly. Jesus is our sympathetic high-priest, one who has been tempted in every way, as we have, and yet without sin, so that we can go boldly into the throne room of God for grace and mercy when we need it the most. We need a lot of grace and help and mercy in the midst of pornographic lust and temptation, and we don’t have the strength to resist, but with God, all things are possible, and his strength is made perfect in our weakness.
My friends, and those of you that have been following these updates: Jesus loves you with an unfathomable love, and it is out of the overflow of his love that you will see behavioral change happen. Jesus desires you with an unfathomable desire, and it is out of your growing desire for him that you will begin to notice temptation fading - that you will desire to do something to combat it more effectively. My prayer for you is not that you would check a bunch of sober days off on your calendar for the month of May but that, when June begins, you think back and realize that you have forgotten about your addiction altogether in light of the all-fulfilling satisfaction that is Jesus Christ, your savior.
To everyone at Fight The Silence and beyond, thank you so much for allowing XXXChurch to serve you as a means of practically applying your newfound desire to walk in biblical obedience and purity. It is a joy of ours, generally, and this tour was a joy to Brandi and I - a genuine, eye-opening, humbling, exciting, awe-inspiring joy - and we thank you for allowing us to be a part of it. We are continually praying that you would pursue a fullness of joy in Christ, and that you would delight in him, as he delights in you.
For the honor and the glory of the one for whom and by whom all things exist,
Levi & Brandi Macallister
started to write a song
and then i just decided i would sing it acapella
with harmonies over myself
so
enjoy
lyrics:
sometimes your heart is so heavy
it’s hard to believe
you become cynical because you were naive
sometimes your heart is so heavy
cause the truth cuts us deep
it takes what you want and gives you what you need
sometimes your heart is so heavy
because you’re not enough
it is God who binds souls
not the depth of your love
sometimes your heart is so heavy
cause of things that you did
and a face that can open old wounds again
i will take
this down to my grave
i will love again
with all at stake
If you’ve been reading this blog of mine at all recently, you know i’ve been worried about the future. Suddenly a few weeks ago i started really putting thought into what real life is.
It is definitely not the life i have been living, going to school a couple days, sleeping, eating, exercising, interneting, reading, drawing, and so on. I’ve been so incredibly bored recently. Before that, i hadn’t felt bored for probably a year, but then it happened.
Maybe it’s not so much boredom as it is dissatisfaction. It’s a spiral of dissatisfaction tumbling into paralysis and back into dissatisfaction. I feel dissatisfied, like i should be doing something that matters, but i can’t think of anything to do right then, so the energy builds up into a tangled mess in my heart, leading to greater dissatisfaction. I want to do something!
Alas, i digress.
So i’ve been worries about real life. I’ve been worried about the basics of living. I am a missionary; how do i eat? How do i live?
Questions like that have been bothering me.
Then i came to Matthew 6, something that i’ve read before, and grasped onto. I preached these verses and held onto them tightly. Suddenly, my own real life became relevant, and i forgot these verses.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
God knows my physical needs. I have to trust him. I know it seems foolish, but i will trust him nonetheless.
